I'll See You in Another Life, Brotha.

It is often during my bouts of abnormal hormonal insomnia that I have these TV epiphanies. These memories. These flashbacks. Call them what you will, but they are random pieces of my life that come flooding back to me in these wee hours of the morning. Of things that truly made me happy, things that truly made me miserable, and of things that just make me the person I am today. I find myself thinking of San Diego often, wondering what exactly the hell I am doing in this place, here, today. What is it that I miss so much, the weather? The beauty of San Diego? Yes, both of those things, but I feel like I am not my own person here. I am still a child living under my parents roof; even in my own house, I am still not comfortable there. I think mostly of my apartment in North Park. I loved that place. It was so comfy and homey. Why? The fishtanks. Seriously. The soft white noise that the filters provided. My cichlids. And randomly what was on TV tonight? A show about the evolution of cichlids. I know, totally random, but what comfort the memory of those fish brings!!

I feel all of these little pieces just fit into place at the right time, for a reason. I'm sitting watching reruns of LOST- Season 1, and Syeed just said his photo read "I'll see you in the next life, if not in this one". Well, I feel like I am currently in the next life, seeing myself in my old one. I just watched Sex and the City, and Carrie Bradshaw revealed yet another "epiphany" to me....That I have become Resistant of Romance. As I have always kind of been 'one of the guys', I have allowed myself to settle for and date guys that dont provide any romance. I wouldnt even know what to do if they did. Because of this, I am 32 years old, with 33 literally right around the corner, single, with no prospects in sight, getting ready to start my life over AGAIN in some place new. Yes, in many ways this is exciting, but at the same time, this is not where I expected to be in life at this point. Feeling sorry for myself cuz I am just realizing I will be alone on Valentines Day? Sure, a little bit. But at least I am being honest and allowing myself to feel, rather than saying Whatever, it is just a stupid commercial holiday, and not allowing myself the right to have these feelings. I know it is silly of me to base so much of my life around these TV shows that I watch, but again, even these SHOWS are part of my life, of who I am...Sunday Night HBO Show Night, Wednesday Night LOST Night at the Thayers...it's hard to forget a past life that so surrounds you every day.

I do love the bit of serenity I get from these so called TV Epiphanies, though; they show me how I can integrate the good pieces of my old life into my new life, thus making this time a much better go round. I am healing. I am a better person today. I have lived and learned alot about myself, and about what REAL happiness is. Hey, I dont have much but my thoughts each night at 2:15am while I sit and watch the clock.