Why Am I Not (in)Famous?

I cant take full credit for this blog, as I owe the idea to my other favorite blogger, The Superficial Writer, at www.thesuperficial.com. But seriously, why am I not famous? Why has it become acceptable for stars and starlets to look like warmed over shit these days and make millions, yet I keep up appearances, go to the gym, eat right, and barely make enough to scrape by each month? Who can I speak to about this?

Britney Spears loses her shit completely, is put under a strict conservator ship by her Father and is still the most photographed woman in the world? I lose my shit, move in with my parents for a bit, and cant even get a date. What gives?

Whitney Houston, beloved "Bodyguard" Actress, singer of "How Will I Know" (my first tape ever purchased with my own money), marries New Edition star Bobby Brown, becomes literally a crack head, and gets her own TV Show. I do some drunken karaoke, party a little too hard, yet I can barely pay my own Direct TV bill. What is this shit?

Mickey Rourke. A GREAT actor. Tells the world to FUCK OFF, we're doing it my way. He wins an Oscar and a Golden Globe. I tell anyone to Fuck Off and I end up in jail! It's happened more than once, folks. WTF? **Although, I do have to give MR a little credit...he ruined his own career to tell people to fuck off and did basically become the equivalent of a cigarette butt in a beer in Hollywood for the past 20 years....I do, however, salute you, Mickey Rourke. You rock.

Madonna. Ok Madonna, What the FUCK is going on with you these days. I know, I know, rumors abound you, but seriously, it is time to stop with taking the testosterone. You are growing a BEARD. You look like the Crypt Keeper. Yet you are banging Alex Rodriguez of HOT ASS MLB Fame?? I know your Kabbalah water is not that strong.

Jessica Simpson...poor girl. I hate to even mention her. For years she has been "the pretty sister", and now that red-headed stepchild Ashley got a nose job, a husband and a baby, Jessica is out like yesterday's dishwater. Jessica's recent Wardrobe Choices are doing little to recreate her image. I can relate to Jess, though; us big busted weight fluctuates more than the stockmarket, and one poor wardrobe choice can add ten pounds. Has she really gotten fat? I doubt it. Does she need to be mindful of what she wears and how she is photographed? Absolutely. Should I be dating an NFL Quarterback cuz I have big boobs and a curvy ass? Sure, why not.

You get the picture. I'm not seeing many stars these days that are really earning their dollar. Are there any agents out there doing nationwide casting calls? You've got my number.

I'll See You in Another Life, Brotha.

It is often during my bouts of abnormal hormonal insomnia that I have these TV epiphanies. These memories. These flashbacks. Call them what you will, but they are random pieces of my life that come flooding back to me in these wee hours of the morning. Of things that truly made me happy, things that truly made me miserable, and of things that just make me the person I am today. I find myself thinking of San Diego often, wondering what exactly the hell I am doing in this place, here, today. What is it that I miss so much, the weather? The beauty of San Diego? Yes, both of those things, but I feel like I am not my own person here. I am still a child living under my parents roof; even in my own house, I am still not comfortable there. I think mostly of my apartment in North Park. I loved that place. It was so comfy and homey. Why? The fishtanks. Seriously. The soft white noise that the filters provided. My cichlids. And randomly what was on TV tonight? A show about the evolution of cichlids. I know, totally random, but what comfort the memory of those fish brings!!

I feel all of these little pieces just fit into place at the right time, for a reason. I'm sitting watching reruns of LOST- Season 1, and Syeed just said his photo read "I'll see you in the next life, if not in this one". Well, I feel like I am currently in the next life, seeing myself in my old one. I just watched Sex and the City, and Carrie Bradshaw revealed yet another "epiphany" to me....That I have become Resistant of Romance. As I have always kind of been 'one of the guys', I have allowed myself to settle for and date guys that dont provide any romance. I wouldnt even know what to do if they did. Because of this, I am 32 years old, with 33 literally right around the corner, single, with no prospects in sight, getting ready to start my life over AGAIN in some place new. Yes, in many ways this is exciting, but at the same time, this is not where I expected to be in life at this point. Feeling sorry for myself cuz I am just realizing I will be alone on Valentines Day? Sure, a little bit. But at least I am being honest and allowing myself to feel, rather than saying Whatever, it is just a stupid commercial holiday, and not allowing myself the right to have these feelings. I know it is silly of me to base so much of my life around these TV shows that I watch, but again, even these SHOWS are part of my life, of who I am...Sunday Night HBO Show Night, Wednesday Night LOST Night at the Thayers...it's hard to forget a past life that so surrounds you every day.

I do love the bit of serenity I get from these so called TV Epiphanies, though; they show me how I can integrate the good pieces of my old life into my new life, thus making this time a much better go round. I am healing. I am a better person today. I have lived and learned alot about myself, and about what REAL happiness is. Hey, I dont have much but my thoughts each night at 2:15am while I sit and watch the clock.

Get out of my dreams, and also out of my car.

OK, since when has it become appropriate to forceably kiss a casual acquaintance on the mouth as a "hello"? I mean, even in Europe they kiss on the cheek, not on the mouth. Dont you think after the first time, when the person (uh, ME) turns their head away from you and your greedy mouth when you approach, that that does not mean for you to step forward in front of me to try harder to get in front of my mouth? I did not want to be assaulted by your lips when I left the house today.

And second of all, every time I run into you, you tell me to call you. Dont you think it is odd that I NEVER have your number, even though you give it to me every time I see you? Or that I have NEVER called you? Yet you think it is ok and acceptable to mouth kiss me at every opportunity you see fit? Get the the fuck up out of my Grille!!!

Third, might I add, I have no idea where your mouth has been. I have seen first hand that you hit on every chick with a pulse. God knows who has accepted. On the same note, your married girlfriend is a total hooker. Dont you know that she is also banging 3 other guys in town? If you have just been kissing (or what other else) that tramp, I dont want your lips any where near my face. And when does the tongue assault start?

So please, everyone, unless you are smoking hot and know that I want you to kiss me, please, shake my hand, give me a hug, a pat on the back. Please dont invade my personal space or assume that I want you to mack on me.

My Summer Road Trip

So, my decision to move to Denver is final, and I am already preparing my summer road trip! Follow me here:

http://www.randmcnally.com/rmc/plan/planSummary.jsp?cmty=0

Cant wait to travel the country again; I think it should be mandatory for everyone to drive cross country at least once in their life. This will be my third go round, and I look forward to adding a new stop...Austin, TX. Although I had a blast my last two trips, I look forward to having a little bit more freedom this time around. The first trip I made, we traveled with a black lab and a bird (yes, like a parrot in a cage), in a HUGE Uhaul (aka Big Yella) towing a 4x4 truck behind us. I drove that bad boy through the Hoover Dam, in the rain, at about midnight. I definately saw God that night as I prayed for our lives. That was also my first trip to Vegas, though, and it was a wonderful time.

My second trip my girlfriend and I drove with three, yes THREE adult Boxers...that was a good time. IT was really fun getting them into and out of hotels without being seen...or heard. And when you have a 150 lb. boxer that is shaking and crying because he is so scared of something he saw in BFE Louisiana, you know you might be in trouble. That doesnt even top the trip though; the chart topper was when we stopped at our hotel room...and there was a man already sleeping in our bed. YEAH!!! Good time!!!

I'm up for a travel companion this ride, let me know if you want to go!

Life Goes By So Fast, You Only Want to do What's Right

I have really come to understand what is important in life this past week. My family. My grandmother is dying a slow and painful death from Bone Cancer, and earlier this week she fell down and hit her head. A trip to the ER revealed that now has a massive brain tumor, and we thought we had definately lost her within 24 hours of that ER visit. She is now doing much better, but will be moved to a Skilled Nursing Facility next week as we can no longer give her the care she needs at home. I know now that I took so much for granted before, and I guess I use this blog to admit my wrong doings, and as a very small way to make amends to her.

Although she lived only a mile from me, I did not take the time to come and see her everyday. I know how much just a short visit means to her.

I have taken for granted all of the love and support she has given me over the years, and how much she has taught me about unconditional love. I definately took advantage of that love during the progression of and in the height of my addiction.

Although some of the things she does drive me absolutely batshit crazy, my mother is a wonderful woman. I hope that I can love my children as much as she loves hers.

My father is a loving man, although he shows his love the best way he knows how. He fixes things around the house, makes things nice/clean, and he gives us money. Although sometimes I need more than that, I know that this is the best he can do. I know that it is selfish of me to expect different things from him. He is only human too.

My brother is a truly amazing brother, son, father, and grandson. I hope to meet a man that is even half the man he is.

Although I still do not want to live out my days here in Virginia, my sole purpose in life is not to just get the hell away from my family. After what I have put them through, I am surprised they even want me around; on the contrary, they want me here even more than ever.

I feel very guilty that for so long I just wanted out/away from this family. I know now that no one's family is perfect, and alot of people dont have the support system I have.

I have truly come to know who my real friends are. The people that have come out of the woodwork to keep my spirits up in this difficult time. Some people I thought were my closest friends have not said two words to me during this difficult time.

I know that I have fulfilled my grandmothers dying wish by being here at home with her, healthy. And alive.

I am saddened by the fact that my children will never have the opportunity to know their great grandparents, but am so happy that my nephews got to. Its so wonderful to see 4 generations of family together.

Life goes by fast. Take a moment to slow down and enjoy the little things in life. I know that I have, and I will continue to do so. For the first time in my life I actually feel like an adult, and a responsible and contributing member of the family. Death is much harder on the people left behind, however, I look forward to spenging her last days with my Grandmother. I know the end is near, but I'm glad I got to part of her life.